Slutty as Eff Keto Chocoate Cheesecake

Holy shit, it’s about time. Shoulder surgery is a bitch. As it turns out? YOU NEED BOTH FUCKING ARMS.  Honestly,  I guess you don’t NEED them…I’d eventually survive if I got one torn off by a chimpanzee, but I’d sure as fuck rather HAVE BOTH ARMS IN WORKING ORDER.

So, with that…

I am really  not a sweet tooth.  I’m more of a meat tooth, i.e. you put my favorite cake in front of me but offer me a perfectly cooked ribeye or rack of lamb or vat of perfectly crafted pork carnitas?  I’m kicking the cake to the curb 99% of the time.



Sometimes, I’m craving a little sweet (I guess I occasionally need to refuel this super sweet, demure personality of mine), and that’s the part that gets tricky doing the whole Keto Slut thing.

Tricky…but not impossible.

Now that my shoulder is on the mend from being a giant dick-hole, I will be in the kitchen more often and experimenting with products that, if eaten on days where you are really watching that carb intake (honestly, for me, that’s every day because I’m paranoid), will do your keto-jam zero harm.

If you’re a sweet-slut, you’re going to want to purge your pantry of regular devil-sugar and wheat flours and start loading up with low GI (glycemic impact) staples like Almond Flour, Coconut Flour, Sesame Flour, and erythritol-based sweeteners like Swerve.  Please note – IF YOU EAT TOO MUCH OF ANY OF THIS, YOU’RE GOING TO FUCK UP YOUR GAME.  So pay attention to carbs per serving and understand that, if you’re like me and say “Hey, fuck you, serving size!” to everything else like steak and cheese, you just aren’t going to get away with it when it comes to snacks, especially sweet ones.

With that – check out this Slutty Keto Chocolate Cheesecake. Have it with some damn coffee. Thank me later.

Slutty as Eff Keto Chocolate Cheesecake

Look at this sexy-ass picture I shamelessly stole from the internet and will replace once my shoulder can deal with my big-girl camera again!


• 1 cup almond flour (Honeyville or Bob’s Red Mill are both great)
• 2 tbsp whey protein powder of your choice.
• 2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder (I’m a fan of Hershey’s Special Dark)
• 2 tbsp Swerve Sweetener
• 3 tbsp melted grass-fed butter
• 1/8 tbsp kosher salt

…plus extra butter for buttering your pan

• 2 – 8 ounce packages Philadelphia cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup Powdered Swerve
• 3.5 oz Ghirardelli 86 % Dark Chocolate (any high percentage dark chocolate will do, but I like Ghirardelli)
• 3 tbsp. + 1 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
• 3 large eggs room temperature
• 1-1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 tsp stevia glycerite or other liquid keto-friendly sweetener

Chocolate Layer
• 1/4 cup sugar Free Chocolate (Lily’s is my go-to)
• 1/3 cup heavy cream


Toasted Slivered Almonds or Chopped Hazelnuts – or –  Sexy Chocolate Balls


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and place the rack to the middle.

Place the bottom of a 6″ springform cheesecake pan* on a piece of parchment and trace it. Cut out the circle so it fits the bottom of the pan. Assemble the springfrom pan and brush the bottom and sides with melted butter. Add the parchment circle to the bottom of the pan.

For the crust:
Measure the Swerve into a coffee grinder and grind til it’s powder. Add the almond flour, cocoa powder, protein powder and sweetener to a medium bowl. Whisk together to combine well until smooth.

Add the melted butter and blend with a fork. The mixture should hold firmly together when gently squeezed in your hand. If not, gradually add a little more melted butter and mix. Press the crust firmly into the bottom of the cheesecake pan, pressing partway up the sides. Using a fork, poke small holes all over the dough on the base and sides. Bake until the crust is fragrant and beginning to brown at the edges – approximately 10-15 minutes. Set aside to cool.

For the Cheesecake:
Finely chop the chocolate and add it to a mixing bowl (metal or glass) placed over barely simmering water, to melt completely. Measure the Powedered Swerve into a coffee grinder and powder.

Place the softened cream cheese in a medium bowl and mix at low-medium speed until creamy. Scrape down the bowl. Mix the powdered sweetener and cocoa powder together and add it to the cream cheese mixture, mixing on medium-low speed until fully incorporated. Scrape down the bowl. Add the eggs one at a time, mixing at low speed until completely incorporated and scraping the bowl after each addition. Add the vanilla and stevia glycerite and begin adding the chocolate while mixing, until well blended.

Spoon the thick batter into the crust, pushing down with the spoon to make sure there are no air bubbles. Using a small spatula, slide across the top of the cheesecake to even it out.

To Bake In A Water Bath:

Tear two large pieces of aluminum foil. Place the cheesecake in the middle of the foil and carefully fold the aluminum foil around it. This is the barrier between the water and the cheesecake pan, so take your time to wrap the pan completely and firmly. Ideally, you don’t want water seeping through, so be careful.  Realistically? Water CAN get in without screwing it all up. Be careful anyway.

Place the wrapped cheesecake into a larger pan. Place the pan on the oven rack and fill with hot water until it comes 1- 1 1/2 inches up the side of the cheesecake pan. Carefully slide the rack into position. Bake for 45 – 60 minutes or until the very center is just barely jiggly.

Remove from the oven, cover with a clean kitchen towel and let cool in the water bath for 30 minutes before removing and cooling for another hour. Remove the aluminum foil, wrap in cling wrap and refrigerate overnight.

For the chocolate topping:

Place the sugar free chocolate chips and heavy cream into a microwave safe bowl and microwave for 50 seconds (time will vary depending on your microwave.) Let sit for a few minutes and then gently whisk until the chocolate ganache is completely blended.

Starting at the edge of the cheesecake, spoon the sugar free ganache onto the edge of the cake, encouraging it to drip down the side. Take your time repeating the procedure all the way around the cheesecake. Pour the rest of the ganache onto the middle of the cheesecake and spread evenly over the top with a small offset spatula.

To decorate: 

Sprinkle with toasted slivered almonds – OR – a bunch of slutty chocolate balls  around the edge of the cake.

Should serve about twelve if you’ve got any self-control.

Or, if you’re me? It serves ONE. Because it’s hidden in the back of the refrigerator and you sneak-eat at 3am. Fuck you, I do what I want.

* A 6″ springform pan is not your “standard” cheesecake pan, but, unless you live in the woods, it’s not impossible to find, and you can generally find them pretty cheap, either at a store like Michaels Crafts, or online with the magic of Google.  Trust me, you really don’t want a giant cheesecake around. Make enough to sate the sweet cravings and make another one next week if you need to for godssakes.


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