So, I’m going to start by giving you a few paragraphs about that time I traveled to Thailand and hiked into the hills with Julia Roberts and trying to find myself after reading a book that told me that I wasn’t who I really thought I was and…

Just kidding, I have no story. You’re welcome.

All I will say is that I didn’t even TRY Thai food until the 90s, when I moved to Portland, OR when I was 20. Why? Because a.) I knew zero Thai folks, and b.) I lived in Astoria, Oregon, which basically was why I knew zero Thai folks and there were zero Thai restaurants.

I did go to school with one Thai kid, who is A GOOD FRIEND these days, and his mother is the goddamn best, but I didn’t know them back then because they lived “waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out in the country” (i.e. maybe a 15 minute drive, but back then that was a big deal).

Anyway, I also used to be allergic to coconut, so curries were still off the menu for me.

Until I wasn’t allergic anymore. Long story shortened, a few decades of processed food that had coconut oil in it built my tolerance up. Yeah, weird. That’s what the doctor said, so whatever.

Remember when I said you weren’t getting a story?
WELL, I GUESS I LIED. But that’s the end of it. I think.

I might even learn how to do a “JUMP TO RECIPE” button eventually, but today is not that fucking day.

ANYWAY, THANK GOD I CAN EAT COCONUT WITHOUT DYING NOW, because one of my favorite things ever to make is a Thai red curry. There are other curries (green curry, yellow curry, and so on), but I always have a tub of red curry sauce on hand – always – so that’s what I made.

It’s kinda sweet, kinda salty, and kinda to very (depending on your tastes) hot – all at once.

If you don’t like heat, you can go lighter on the curry paste. If you’re like me and want to actually FEEL it, you add a little more than this recipe calls for. That’s a “feel the heat but not have your face melt” level of heat. I don’t like face-melting or having my nose run into my dinner. I like to enjoy my food. I’m weird like that.

You could make your own curry paste from scratch, but I have never done that nor do I plan to, so trot on off to the store and grab some Thai Red Curry paste.

NOTE: The brands available at the store might be similar, but they vary in heat levels, etc., so I suggest for those who like “heat” but not “HOLY FUCK, WHY AM I ON FIRE?” heat, go with the 1 Tablespoon for your first go at this.

I mean do what you want, I don’t give a fuck, I’m not your real mom, but it’s always a good idea to start with a baseline and go up from there in my opinion.

OH ALSO: You can make this vegetarian or even vegan, but just know that most Thai Curry pastes have shrimp in them. If that’s a deal breaker, I guess the Thai Kitchen brand is vegetarian. I use Mae Ploy and a few others that have shrimp paste in them. I think they’re better, but if the idea of a shrimp corpse in your curry makes you sad, don’t use it.

But hey, guess what? This recipe also calls for fish sauce. And if you don’t like THAT, a suitable substitute is soy sauce with a squeeze of lime or rice vinegar.

Oh, and P.S. ? Don’t skip the fish sauce like I might have in a previous life. It smells like ass right out of the bottle, but it adds that whole “umami” thing to sauces – not just this, I use that shit in nearly everything. We can talk about that another time.

THAI RED CURRY

Ingredients

2 tablespoons olive oil (vegetable oil or canola oil work fine as well – use whatever)

1 tablespoon butter (optional)

1 medium yellow onion, chopped to your preference (I usually go 1 inch chunks)

1 tablespoon (or more) Thai red curry paste – more depending on the heat you like
(to make vegetarian or vegan, read the ingredients to make sure the paste doesn’t have shrimp death in it)

5-6 cloves garlic – minced
_{NOTE: I’ve already done the “add twice as much garlic as the recipe usually calls for” thing here. Go nuts, but just know, I’ve already gone nuts FOR you.}

1 12-14 oz can coconut milk
_{NOTE: Make sure a.) it’s full fat coconut milk please. Light is fine, but really, this isn’t “bad fats,” don’t let the internet tell you otherwse, and b.) it’s not coconut CREAM which is usually sweetened. I made that mistake once. That shit’s for piña coladas, not for curries or soups.}

1 cup chicken stock
_{NOTE: Yes, so many notes, I know, but anyway, mine looks the way it does because it’s homemade and right out of my freezer. I always boil down rotisserie chicken carcasses once I’ve gotten what I want out of them (that sounds strangely violent) and freeze it. It’s way cheaper and way more flavorful. If you go storebought, it will likely be a lot clearer. That’s fine.}

2 tablespoons fish sauce
(to make vegetarian/vegan – omit fish sauce and use soy sauce with a squeeze of lime or rice vinegar instead)

1 tablespoon brown sugar

½ teaspoon salt

CHOPPED VEGGIES:

Honestly, do what you like here. MY PERSONAL favorites are broccoli and/or cauliflower, carrots, red bell pepper, and mushrooms. If I have green beans, I put those in there sometimes, too.

And what’s fuckin great is, since I started the practice of, once I get my produce home, chopping it all into hunks the size of what you see here, which is ideal for roasting or steaming (will chop smaller if I’m going to throw it into a salad or a soup), most of my prep is already done when I make the decision to do a curry.

Amount? Eh, whatever, the world’s on fire, there are no rules- a cup or so of each is good – but what I have here in the picture, which is on a standard size dinner plate, is perfect for this recipe.

Some people like zucchini (courgette) or eggplant (aubergine) in their curries. I don’t because I think the texture gets weird and soggy too quickly in sauces, but you do you.

My mise en place, i.e. everything in its place so I don’t forget anything SHIT, I FORGOT THE SHRIMP.

2 tablespoons cornstarch (cornflour) mixed to a paste with 2 tablespoons water

2 tablespoons lime juice (fresh if you can manage this)

4 large fresh basil leaves for serving:
_{NOTE: Use Thai basil if you can get it. I can’t because I’ve not once seen it in Costa Rica. Regular (?) fresh basil works fine.}

PROTEIN: Ok, you can choose to do NO protein at all – just veggies – or you can add some fried or baked tofu if you’re into it, which sometimes I am. This is so flavorful and good, you really don’t NEED more. Want? Sure. Need? Not really.

My favorite protein is shrimp. Chicken is great with it as well. So are scallops or hunks of firm, white fish.

MY preference is to precook it to JUST under done and then add it at the end. You can choose to add it in with the veggies and cook it in the sauce, but I’m telling you, something is likely to be overcooked when you do this; either the veggies (mush) or the meat (rubber), so I just cook my protein on its own to avoid the heartbreak. Yes, sure, cooking it in the sauce will allow it to absorb more flavor – in theory – but in my opinion, it isn’t that noticeable.

Whatever the case, a cup or so of shrimp or prepared tofu or chunks of chicken thighs is adequate for this recipe.

Also, you’re going to want rice for serving. I mean I know I WANT rice for serving, so yeah, prepare enough rice. About two cups of prepared jasmine rice is a good, solid amount to accompany this recipe. Make it ahead or during the simmering stage of this recipe. Make it in the future and then fly back in your time machine. Whatever works best.

So yeah, I nearly forgot the shrimp, but here it is thawing.

Directions:

Turn your burner on to medium.

Heat the oil (and butter if you choose) over that heat in a large skillet.

Add onions and sauté for a few minutes until it starts to become translucent but before they brown.

Add the curry paste and garlic and cook, stirring constantly, for about a minute. If you don’t stir constantly, you’re going to burn your garlic and make it bitter, do not fucking do that, I swear to god. . .

Dump the can of coconut milk into your skillet, as well as your chicken stock, the fish sauce (or weird soy and vinegar substitute – no judgment I get it), the sugar and the salt, bringing it to a boil.

Add all your “sturdier” vegetables (carrots, broccoli, cauliflower) and simmer for about 8 minutes.

Add in your wimpier veggies (green beans if you got ’em, peppers, mushrooms, and if you chose zucchini or eggplant) toss all that in there now, too.

Simmer until everything is to the tenderness you want. I like to pull it off before it’s mush, i.e. when it still has a little bit of “body” to it.

While the curry simmers, if you haven’t already, cook your rice (unless you’re a monster and chose not to make it).

Make a paste with equal parts cornstarch and water – or, if you want to keep every last bit of flavor in there, use the sauce you have simmering instead of water – and then stir it in, continuing to stir until the curry thickens.

YOU SHOULD ALSO be sautéing your shrimp or chicken at this point, cooking until NEARLY done but not quite. And seriously, if you just want to throw the meat in there with everything else, go nuts -again, I’m not your mom- and, if you do that, just cook until it’s done.

When it’s at the right thickness, stir in the lime juice.

You’re done. YOU’RE FUCKIN DONE!

Serve over rice (unless you’re a monster), top with basil leaves – sliced or torn up or whole, whatever you feel is right.

Bone Ape Tit.