Hey, you know, sometimes I suck. Don’t we all?

I hinted that I was going to do a blog post about the fucking cauliflower pizza crust, and here’s what happened:

I totally fucked it up.

How? Why? Because I thought I’d be a wise-ass and skip the parchment paper step because I was out of parchment paper. I thought, oh, I’ll just oil the fuck out of my craptastic old cookie sheet that grosses everyone out.

NOPE!

DO NOT SKIP OVER THE FUCKING PARCHMENT PAPER BECAUSE, AS IT TURNS OUT, PARCHMENT PAPER IS MAGIC.

So yeah, I was able to scrape the crust up off the pan, it was a pain in the ass and things did not go smoothly…though it was still tasty.

SO I STARTED OVER TODAY. I USED PARCHMENT PAPER. IT WENT MUCH MORE SMOOTHLY.

Duh.

SEXY KETO-AS-FUCK PIZZA WITH CAULIFLOWER CRUST

Ingredients for crust:

1 head cauliflower, stalk removed
1 cup shredded mozzarella
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
1/2 teaspoon each of garlic salt, dried oregano, dried basil, and dried parsley
2 eggs, lightly beaten
a few cranks each of salt and pepper if desired
1 small pitbull. Just kidding, but look at that cute fucker.

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

LINE YOUR FUCKING SHEET WITH PARCHMENT PAPER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…

Break the cauliflower into florets and pulse in a food processor until fine-ish. Not to dust or anything, but to tiny pieces.

AND HERE’S AN IMPORTANT STEP:

You really need to squeeze the excess moisture out of your shredded cauliflower. The more the better. Trust me. If you don’t, it’s going to be soggy. Pretend it’s “arm day” at the gym (like I go to the gym) and go nuts. I used paper towels, spreading the cauliflower onto it and then mashing down with more paper towels until I got super sick of doing it and the cauliflower still had SOME moisture but a fuck-ton less than when I started. I bought some cheesecloth and I’m going to try with that next time: Will edit this entry to reflect that when I get around to it.

In a bowl, combine the cauliflower with the mozzarella, parmesan, dried seasonings and eggs. Just use your damn hands so it’s all mixed up in there.

You will never believe where my hand just was…

Transfer to the center of the baking sheet and spread into a square or a circle or a fucking hexagon, I don’t give a fuck, and bake for 15-20 minutes.

LOOK AT THAT PARCHMENT PAPER RIGHT THERE. LOOK AT IT.

Start checking your crust after like 15 minutes depending on how hot your oven runs – it’s going to stay pretty light on top, but you should see it browning along the bottom edges. Pull it out just shy of it being dark brown on the way outer edge.

AND IF YOU’RE SO INCLINED…

Take another piece of parchment paper, lay it across your crust, and carefully, as you gently place on hand over the paper, flip over your crust so you can bake it a bit longer and crisp up the other side.

WHOOOOAAAAH OH! EAT A PIZZA SQUARE…I’m sorry, I’ll show myself out. It’s not even a fucking square…

Ok, you’ve got a pizza crust. Now what?

LOAD IT UP WITH TASTY SHIT, THAT’S WHAT!

For your sauce, be careful if you’re buying a sauce, which is what I do. I might make some later this year when/if I have a tomato harvest (which I should as tomatoes are like the one “garden food plant” I do ok with). But yeah, lot of them are loaded down with sugar, but some aren’t!

This one for example.

This one is pretty damn good in the sugar/carb department. A serving size is 1/4 cup, and, really, unless you like to sauce the fuck out of your pizza, a quarter cup is about what I put on these cauliflower crusts.

Look! No added sugar! THAT’S GROOVY AS FUCK.

So find a good sauce base – pesto or a simple olive oil and garlic is a nice base to build on as well depending on your ingredients.

For my pizza today, I browned up a bunch of Hempler’s Italian Sausage. They’re local to where I’m at, and they’re legit quality. Look for one that’s not sugared up, and, if you can help it, with no added nitrates.

I also sauteed some sliced button mushrooms and onion, and I sliced some red bell pepper – I like the flavor of red bell pepper, but I don’t want a HI, I’M A RED BELL PEPPER PIZZA! flavor, so I sliced it kinda thin – and I tossed all that on the sauced crust.

Hi, I’m covered with meat. Also, I thought I cut those peppers thinner.

Hmmm…what am I missing?

OH YEAH, A FUCK-TON OF CHEESE!

When you’re done covering your pizza in a fuck-ton of cheese, toss the pan back in the oven at the same temp and heat til melted, about 10 minutes give or take (just watch the pizza, ok? You never know what your oven is going to do if you have a shit oven like I do).

While you’re waiting, grab some of the basil that I’m sure you had laying around. Ok I don’t usually either, I keep killing my basil plants, but I picked some up at the grocery store this week.

Take a few leaves, stack them up, and roll them up like you’re rolling a joint or something.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve literally never rolled a joint (I’m a moocher, I don’t do the actual work), but it sounded good.

Once you’ve rolled them up, slice them into little slices like so.

Once your pizza is at your desired level of melty, remove from the oven and scatter your basil over the top.

When it cools so it doesn’t melt the roof of your mouth…

EAT!

Also, if you know people who are all “Ewwwwww, grossss, cauliflower. I would never eat a pizza made with cauliflower in the crust”, fuck them. Do not share this amazing pizza.

But like…don’t fuck them for reals because, if they’re going to whine about something so stupid, they’re probably a lousy fucking lay.