I’ve been waitinggggg…for a good Cheesecaaaaake. To come into…my face.

Sorry about the singing (read: no I’m not).

Life has been nuts, you know how it can be, and I’ve been unable to play in the kitchen for more than the super easy stuff – which ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE about Keto and Low Carb in general is how freakin easy it is (step 1: find meat, step 2: cook meat, step 3: eat meat) if you’re feeling super fucking lazy or, in my case, constantly at work or out of town.

BUT I made some time today and finally got around to making something that I’m LONG OVERDUE IN MAKING:  A nice, slutty, dessert.  And I chose the sluttiest of all desserts to make today.

Full disclosure: I started this post on February 20th and I’m finally able to start working on posting shit again.  SO I’M GONNA MAKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER AGAIN RIGHT NOW.

What motherfucker you ask?


Oh yeahhhh.

I had low expectations, like I have had in the past with random hook-ups, because you know? It may do the trick, but you don’t expect it to get you off.





For the crust:

2 cups Almond Flour

1/3 cup Butter (measured solid, then melted)

3 tbsp Erythritol (granular or powdered works fine)

1 tsp Vanilla Extract

Cheesecake Filling:

32 oz Cream Cheese (softened)

1 1/4 cup Powdered Erythritol (granular not recommended, but go nuts if you don’t mind a weird texture)

3 Large Eggs

1 tbsp Lemon juice (fresh if possible, but whatever blows your skirt up)

1 tsp Vanilla Extract

Look.  Stuff.



Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 9″ springform pan

OR  you can line the bottom with parchment paper – I did, I recommend it.  Seriously, the shit is magic.

The fact that I was able to cut this right the first time is a goddamn miracle.



To make the almond flour cheesecake crust, toss the almond flour, melted butter, erythritol, and vanilla extract in a medium bowl.

Tossed in a bowl. Behold.

Stir until well combined. The dough will be slightly crumbly.

This is what crumbly looks like.  You’re welcome.


Press the dough into the bottom of the prepared pan.



Bake for about 10-12 minutes, until barely golden. Let cool at least 10 minutes.

It should look sorta like this.


Once your crust is done, set it aside and start in on the filling.

Beat the cream cheese and powdered sweetener together until fluffy. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then beat in the lemon juice and vanilla extract.


Pour the filling into the pan over the crust. Smooth out the top with a spatula.

Yes, there are lumps in there, that’s because I didn’t soften the cream cheese enough, it’s fine, stop judging me, fuck.


This is my cat judging me.


Fuck off, Walter.


Bake for about 45 to 55 minutes, until the center is almost set, but still jiggly.

No, dogs don’t get cheesecake, guys. Stop.


Remove the cheesecake from the oven. Run a knife around the outer edge of the cheesecake (don’t remove the springform edge yet).



Cool in the pan on the counter to room temperature, give or take, then refrigerate for at least 4 hours (preferably overnight), until completely set.

Do NOT even thinking about trying to remove the cake from the pan before chilling.


Serving size: 1 slice

Look at that itty bitty widdo slice.



Nutrition info for if you’re a freak who can only eat one slice:

Calories: 325 | Fat: 31g | Total Carbs: 6g | Net Carbs: 5g | Fiber: 1g | Sugar: 2g | Protein: 7g

If you are thinking, man…this is decadent, but I really want to be a huge whore. GIMME CHOCOLATE!!!!
…I totally get it because I, too, am a huge whore for chocolate. 

Make some ganache. It’s super fucking easy. 

First of all, get these chocolate chips, they’re the fucking best. And no, they’re not paying me to say that.

Take equal parts sugar free chocolate chips and heavy cream – like a cup each, you’ll have extra just to eat by the spoonful when you have a chocolate craving – and a tsp or so of vanilla. 

Toss the heavy cream into a saucepan and bring to just shy of a boil, more like a strong simmer. 

Remove from heat, dump in chocolate and vanilla, and stir til smooth. 

Yes, it’s that easy. 

Sweeten with faux sweetener to taste, though, if you’re like me, you won’t feel like you need to add any. I like things a little bitter (you are what you eat). 

Dump some chocolate on your cheesecake.

Sweet mother of sex on a plate. Damn, I shoulda put a berry or some shit on it, too. I’ll do it next time.








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